Some Humor & Jokes

By: Old Blue Jacket

The Five Most Dangerous Things in the U. S. Navy

A Seaman saying, “I learned this in Boot Camp…” A Petty Officer saying, “Trust me, sir…” A Lieutenant JG saying, “Based on my experience…” A Lieutenant saying, “I was just thinking…”

A Chief Petty Officer chuckling, “Watch this shit…”

Second Opinion

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heck of a headache The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he did feel like a different person. Why not make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need - a new suit!” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Why not, Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9-1/2 E.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…size 36.”

Joe laughed “Ah ha! I finally got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34! A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.”

ALWAYS get a second opinion. And even a 3rd if need be!!

The Cardinal & Senator Kerry

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry’s campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic Cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day’s service, and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint. The Cardinal replied “No, I don’t really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry’s views.” Kerry’s manager then said “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint. The Cardinal thought about it and said “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon. As promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation “While Senator Kerry’s presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church and he tends to flipflop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite, and a nitwit. John Kerry is a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I’ve ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in VietNam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light though he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal (including the Silver Star with Valor, which does not exist). He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington and in Massachusetts. He simply isn’t to be trusted.”

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with “But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint.”

Emergency Room

On The other day, I had to go to the emergency room. So, not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I went to the Army-Navy store, and bought some OD pants and a shirt. Then I sewed a couple of patches on which I grabbed from the internet.

It was amazing how people left before me. I guess they suddenly decided they weren’t that sick after all.

My patches said:

Bronze Statue

A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He took it to the counter. “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story,” the owner said.

The tourist gave the shop owner twelve dollars. “I’ll take the rat. You can keep the story.”

As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the millions, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster. Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the Bay where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could muster.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and they all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

“Aha!” said the owner. “You have come back for the story.”

“No,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat”.

Happy Early Valentines Day

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?” David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?” “Osama Bin Laden,” David says. “Why Osama Bin Laden,” his father asks in shock. “Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. “David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

Political Affiliation Test

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican? Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat’s Answer: Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican’s Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Southern Republican’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click…..(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the

Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points