division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred
some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans
coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In
the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal
innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the
occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been
invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how
to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and
doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was
the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals
actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention
of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer
and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested
in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back
then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal
on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal
Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant
sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments
were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
Therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who
works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies
hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern"
the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America.
Conservatives have principles; believe in a Creator, and the rule
of law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through
their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible
and the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a
changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing
production of conservatives and undermining principled references
such as the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an
issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard
to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give
to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field
They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They
own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals.
They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals
and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm
conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies
with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned
the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence,
and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in
BIG government. They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer.
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have
been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot
liberals from other countries who want to govern our country.
Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a
bone-headed statute ! passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When
sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't
explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such
as the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When
sitting on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals
and other common criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they
do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated
tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source
of law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they
just make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy
Bean is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.
A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to
find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch
hands, and inquired, "Pardon! on me, but could you perhaps tell
me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied,
"That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?